"In time, I've learned to punish myself every second I want you to love me, but I can't break free, I just can't get your incredible eyes out of my life. I want to love you until it kills me. Even the pain you give me is better than everyone else's."

2009


"This confusion can't be of the good for anybody, can it? And what do I do with it? Is this a good way to use it? Write it down, not let anybody ever read it? Is that going to help? Will it ease the crossfire in my head? (Westlife quote, I'm a nerd)"

2010

"Cast the blame, burn the flame, scream your name, all the same
Say or do, love takes two, obsession too, I love you"

2008

"Du vet så väl att du kan dansa
men du har sytt dina kläder själv
Lagat varje hål
Den största sömmen som revs upp
var ett hjärtformat hål i ditt bröst
Men varje förlust är bortglömd
och tiden läkte alla sår
Om det bara inte hade varit för det där lilla,
kallat missförstånd"

2009

"Och även om kärlek
utbytes mot Saknad
så handlar fortfarande allt jag känner om dig"

2009

"Och tro mig, du behöver inte kämpa
för hur mycket du än försöker kommer du aldrig att bli mer än dem
eller ska jag säga "oss"?
För hur kan du bli mer än människa?
Öppna ögonen, och acceptera
att din önskan att vara speciell
gör dig precis som alla andra --
Mänsklig"

2009

"Med minnet av ditt kärleksfulla misstag tryggt i väskan
väntar jag
medan väggarna faller och ditt hjärta blir synligt igen
Jag håller mig på så långt avstånd som mina trådar tillåter
för det är det du vill
Alltid inom räckhåll

men utanför ditt synfält
Utanför dina omsorger, intressen och behov
"Du är inte så jävla oskyldig själv"
Om jag inte älskade dig, vore jag ändå lika värdelös?"

2009

"Du är omöjlig att undgå
Om en minut expanderar du
men vad händer då, om tiden står still?
"Jag är glad att jag slipper ha dig i mitt liv"
Tillåt mig älska
din vägran att förlora"

2009

"Well, she couldn't help remaining there, exactly. It was not as if she had anywhere else to go, or even wanted to be somewhere else. Just thinking about walking out the door and into the world... it scared her. She wasn't going now or tomorrow or ever and never ever ever ever ever and oh, everything was empty and pale and maybe it should stay that way cause forever is just a little too long to stand even if it's supposedly something she was supposed to be striving towards, love, love, love, forever and ever."

2011

"Maybe there's alot of things you can't remember
And I may not love you anymore
but I still lie awake at night to think of you
like I always did
You knew that, of course
but it didn't stop you from repressing
And though you lifted me up to shoot me down
used your knife to pick me off the ground
Tonight of all nights was made to remember
the time when tomorrow was all we'd live for
I have nothing to say
(out loud)
How can I blame you?
Cause everything goes away
And everyone forgets
But I never will"

2010

"I guess she feels sorry for herself. And I think on some level I do too, otherwise I probably wouldn't be writing this down right now, would I? Why would I wanna tell people unless it was for them to feel sorry for me?
I think I want attention. But who doesn't, really?"

2010

"When you disobey the rules
On how to think and how to feel
We refuse to be the fools
And we feed off all that's real"

2007

"Dina känslor är och förblir små, obetydliga glaskristaller för mig
Bara prydnad
och om någon av dem skulle splittras i ett glitterregn
Vem skulle märka?
Men nej,
jag kan faktiskt inte förneka att det skulle kännas bra
om dessa glasklara prydnader
fanns för mig
och endast mig

[...] Och jag kan lämna dig krossad,
eller med övertydliga, gråtande sprickor
och återgå till mitt vardagliga liv
där jag som hemsk människa väntar på att nästa du ska komma
och visa upp sina livsviktiga, hjärtskärande prydnader
Alla för mig att leka med

(och den minsta delen av mig som verkligen behöver bli älskad
men som aldrig kommer ta emot varken din eller någon annans kärlek
vilar djupt inom mig
En enda kall glaskristall)"

2009

"I feel like I've been so let down by all of you and I have never said a word about it, always let you win. I'm tired.
I'm tired of being beat down, I'm tired of hearing degrading words. I'm tired of being a punching bag, and I've told myself a million times that I'm gonna change and bite back when someone corners me, but I never do. I never change.
Maybe I'm just born to be that, to be the cushion that softens the blow when the angry people hit the walls. Maybe I'm even supposed to be the one that brings out all the anger in people to allow them to grow and take responsibility for themselves.

[...] No, I'm not angry. Maybe there'd still be space to scream at them all if I ever got the chance, but the real problem is... that I'm just not getting over it. It's always there over my head, and I never got closure. In the process of losing everyone that was there with me and heard all the screams, all my complaints, saw the rocks fly, hit my back. Saw me fall to the ground after some faceless person walked by and kicked me in the shin or knocked me into the cold stone wall.
No one remembers anymore."

2011

"Last time I locked myself in the bathroom, leaned my head against the towels and cried. Because the whole situation was so hopeless and it could NEVER be solved - and it still hasn't been. I can still hear you sigh and see you shake your head when you hang up the phone, and NOTHING has changed.
You have no idea how much it hurts me to see your disappointment in the life you used to have. And it will always be my fault you can't...let...it...go...
You should be able to get over it, but you can't. Of course, I know that. I don't want to stand in the way AND INBETWEEN any longer, I don't want to be someone you can lean on in order to make someone share your hate, I can't do it, and I don't want to. And still I will always be the pillar between you two, forcing you to not get along, and have to make that one lously phone call every second month. That phone call that always ends with irritation and there's something in the tone of your voice that just CAN'T PUT THE OTHER PERSON TO REST. Something that you can't touch but you still understand what it is, cause you feel it too. You don't know what to call it and maybe you can't fully understand it, but you know what it means. And you've never been so anxious to hang up the phone as you are everytime you talk.
Here's the part where you want to turn around, but as you do, you see me standing there, looking abandoned, sad, and in the need of your protection. So you keep calling. Keep answering the phone.
But that's the protection I don't want anymore. I want you to let each other go and never, ever speak again, but I don't want to be your messenger either. I can't understand the fact that two people who used to dream of sharing one home could ever retreat to hesitating when picking up the phone. Being annoyed when thinking of celebrating someone's birthday."

2010

"And there's no connection, to myself, to the world, I can't decide. I can't connect to myself so HOW THE FUCK DO I CONNECT TO ANYONE ELSE? Maybe I don't even want to connect to anyone, but they all want to connect to me. Sometimes I don't even wanna know their faces or their names but I feel them all slipping away from me one by one and I panic, cause I can't revert into the lonely hermit that I actually wish that I could be. No, that's not who I am supposed to be, and everyone else think they know it better than I do, but I'm the one who lives with it everyday.
They think they know everything about me because they have the outside perspective, and maybe they do, maybe they're right, but I will never tell them all these thoughts, all this everything, but maybe it helps. Maybe I'm so confused because I LIVE WITH THIS EVERY SECOND OF EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY HOUR OF EVERYDAY and I don't know what that means. It's always there. Always present. I don't get a break to actually think about what's going on inside of me or where I am heading, or where I want to go.
That's the biggest problem. WHERE THE FUCK DO I WANT TO GO?"

2010

"They all shoved the wrong treatment on me and believed they were doing the right thing, I always somehow knew they weren't, and they were annoyed with ME when I just NEVER GOT BETTER. Always the complaints. Never satisfied. I wondered how I was supposed to be satisfied with life like this, with life ALWAYS LIKE THIS AND ALWAYS CHANGING AND I AM SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THE FEELINGS FROM FIVE YEARS AGO, THE SNOW, THE COLD, THE SMALL HOPELESSNESS OF FEELING SOMETHING THAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD AND THE THING THAT COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE.
I am supposed to remember the time when I lay in her bed and she told me we should get help, and it felt strange, it felt foreign, and maybe like I needed it, but it never happened. There was no help. Sometimes I think about it, what would have happened if someone tried to help me?"

2010

"And I am losing faith in love, I don't believe that you can find someone that you're 100% okay with having their hands all over you, being so dependent on them, and I am becoming so cynical I want to laugh at myself - cause I can see it. The depressed teenager just losing faith in the entire world, thinking she knows what love is - and the grownups will laugh as they say "we've all been there" and thinking to themselves that when I REALLY FALL IN LOVE, CAUSE I HAVEN'T YET, I will see what they mean. And how do I know they're wrong? I don't."

2010

"Even now I wish I could read this out to someone but I know they wouldn't follow a word I have written so far, and this is just going too fast, way, way too fast, and everything needs explaining. This is where I start to cry and make excuses, and I leave the room feeling as misunderstood as ever.
But this is my role, as a teenager. Feeling misunderstood. Those feelings always just subside when you enter your adult life.
And maybe this is what everyone go though, WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW? And even so, that must mean that I am alot weaker than everybody else that I have ever met, and if LIFE IS JUST LIKE THIS and everything is what it's supposed to be, what then?"

2010

"I am so fucking tired of all of this - or, I would be, if I could connect to my emotions. Maybe I should be happy I can't, but I DO WISH I COULD CONNECT TO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. MYSELF OR SOMEBODY AROUND ME, AND FEEL GOOD FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I DON'T KNOW WHEN. MAYBE EVER?
I should know when I'm done, and it should be now. I have to stop writing and I have to go back to my life and realize this has not helped at all, and I'm still the same failure that I was when I woke up this morning.
I. can't. live. like. this. And yet I do it everday. So what does that mean?"

2010